dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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