She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
