Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I love you. Go after that dick
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
