in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
