y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
