I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
