First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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