Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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