I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
