how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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