I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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