I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
