So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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