She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
