Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
