Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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