I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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