It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
