So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
