and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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