i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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