I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize