she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
We were destined to go to rehab together
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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