I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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