What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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