Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
