so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
