I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize