I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
