So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
