I think i peed on brittanys purse
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
