im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
