3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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