I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
