u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
