Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
