I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
