Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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