He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
