Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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