I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
