I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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