Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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