every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
