i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
