Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Welp...herpes.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
