Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
