Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There's always time for handjobs
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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