Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
