Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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