I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
