I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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