Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize