Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
