it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
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