wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
