i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
