she pinky promised me she was 18
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
