Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
