I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize