He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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