I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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