plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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